I'm utterly devastated.

abolished, annihilated, bygone, consumed, dead, demolished, destroyed, devastated, dissipated, eradicated, exterminated, forgotten, frittered away, gone, lapsed, misspent, misused, obliterated, obsolete, out-of-date, past, perished, ruined, squandered, unremembered, wasted, wiped out*, wrecked

Ugh... I feel horrible, horrible, horrible...
Recently, I have been down on my luck. I know I have been. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I woke up early, at 7plus today... and head off to my Gold Star test at Queenstown with Dian Zhang and Hong Yong. They passed but I failed. I'll tell you. Dian Zhang - I knew he would SURELY pass. Hong Yong - lucky little bugger... he always swims slower than me but somehow today got ahead of me and passed. First try - 100m with pyjamas, t-shirt and under 2.30mins. Well, I got 2.34mins. WAHLAO. The moment I jumped down my cap came halfway off and my googles got dis-positioned and then I just, fucking cropped up.

This is the worst day of my life since I came on Earth. I will have even worst times in the future. But for now, this is the worst. I cried like SHIT.

The tester gave me a 2nd try. I KNOW I CAN PASS THIS. I KNOW I CAN.

GOD, I definitely completed 50m in less than 1min. Then, this fucking little asshole kept tugging at my pants. He KEPT TUGGING like for 3 seconds, and there was obviously CONFLICT. I told that BLOODY tester it's the truth, argued with him like HELL but it didn't help at all. NOT AT ALL. Well, just my luck. The whole ordeal was the worst thing that ever happened to me. When everyone stared at me when I argued with the tester. I HATE HIM. I HATED EVERYONE at that time. The tester then said he would give me ONE last chance. Alright. I'll take up whatever chance I have. Although I KNOW I am utterly "strength-less" to complete it in time. Whatever man. I still am crying. But heck, JUST MY LUCK. What can I do man? Tell Mr. Chong? Like it'd work. He'll just say try another time... And what? Another $20. The other time I took Gold the first time I also failed and cried like hell... the second time I did it. Now, IT's a TOTAL repeat. I'm such a loser. Do I always have to do thing twice? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything.

You know, the truth is...

It's NOT THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
It's the survival of the MEANEST.

So if I were out at sea, I'd DIE if the ship sunk. I would die.